Remis on Life

I'm sick, my nose is running all over my keyboard right now and I need some drugs to make me feel better. Open the drawer with the pills and the liquids, and every bottle has one of those stupid childproof caps. There is no universal way to open a childproof bottle, each one has its own poorly drawn diagram. What? I'm supposed to squeeze and then twist? Or am I to push down and then twist or just pull up. I was having such difficulty I ripped the cap off and only the childproofing remained. Is it that ridiculous to make these things easier open, or have a universal method of opening these. I can't read a diagram while I'm coughing up a lung, I just want to get the liquids in me. Instead of leaving it up to the drug companies to child proof my own medication can't we just make people store medication in their gun lockers? Lock and key (or combination). The five minutes I just used struggling to get my bottle open is five minutes of recovery time I could have used. I blame this all on bad parents of the past. Thanks for making your medications overly accessible to your children.

Ever since I saw him perform on SNL (when The Rock hosted, that superman skit was amazing), I knew this guy was something special. He gives 110% on stage and is all about the fans. When he came here in '02 unfortunately I was not old enough to get into a bar to go. But the love still remained. Last week, when I found out he was coming here to perform at The Collective, I knew I had to go. Andrew WK is one of the greatest performers and I would not miss this. Even when I found out that it was a "DJ" show and not his full band, I still wanted to go check it out. It turned out to be some guy playing the music on turntables (no band) and Andrew WK givin'er with the microphone and keyboard.

 

So I get to the show at 10 and drink a few beers. DJ Co-Op plays until 1130ish. DJ Co-Op plays dance music and everyone was raving and dancing and having a good time. Then Andrew comes on, and I hear "When it's time to party we will party hard". Everyone in the club starts going crazy, moshing all around, crashing into the stage. I was at the front the whole time doing some MAJOR fist pumping and head banging and jumping around. The best part about an Andrew WK show is that the crowd is so involved. I was at the front singing most of the words to most of the songs and Andrew would put the microphone up to people and they would get to sing. "I Get Wet" is one of my favourite songs, when I saw him perform it on SNL it changed my life. Nobody gives it harder on stage than Andrew WK. During that song, I knew I was going to be at the front singing every word to every song. When it started with the keyboard intro, I got all revved up and then started singing with Andrew. He saw me and then I went on stage with him for the first verse/chorus just me and him and sang I Get Wet and headbanged Andrew WK style, with the fist pumps, leg kicks and flailing arms so hard on stage. If anybody was at BB Camp coffeehouse 2003 when I did my best Andrew WK cover, they would know what I am talking about. I remained at the front most of the show, jumping around crashing into people, holding up crowdsurfers, and I returned to the stage a few times to headbang, and sing, during She Is Beautiful I got to go up again and just belt it out. BEST CONCERT EVER. Fuck, that was GT's!!!

 

ps. one guy even said to me that I did good up on stage. There were many times during that show where alot of people were on stage, but during that first verse+chorus of I Get Wet, it was me and him, alternating lines. It was unbelivable.

Last week, in what was the biggest tease since Britney Spears circa 1999-2003 Super Dog opened for business. The first day of Super Dog is always a monumental day in the calendar. It signifies the beginning of spring and the coming of exams (other than the obvious of being able to buy hot dogs outside of school). While in class I recieved multiple text messages notifying me that Super Dog was out. From Jon: 03/27/07 10:20am: SUPERDOG!. From Jordan 03/27/07 10:23 am SUPERDOG!!! (note the three exclamations on this one, rather than the one my brother chose to use, emphasizing exactly how big of a deal this is).  From Jonny 03/27/07 11:06 am Super Dog is Back. Jonny wasn't nearly as excited to have Super Dog back but did a good deed by letting me know that it was open for business. I also recieved a call later in the day from Andrew but by that time, I had already devoured my first dog of the year. . Immeadiately I began hyperventilating, I put down my pencil got out my wallet and counted out my spare change. $2.50 for a regular dog, $3.50 for a super dog. I only had $2.50 so I would be getting a regular dog. I rushed out and got my dog and could not wait. I have developed a consistent method of applying condiments to my Super Dog. Step 1, lots of regular mustard a few splotches of honey mustard (for flavour). Step 2 onions, lots of them, I want to see minimal dog under those onions. Step 3, pickle(s), depending on the type and mood. But mustard/onions always are a must. I put on the mustard before the onions because I used to do it the opposite way and this way the amount of mustard on my face is minimized. I bit into the dog and was in heaven. After all, I am the self proclaimed Super Dog champion, and a member of the Super Dog hall of fame (customers section). After I completed 3 frequent eater cards (10 dogs per card 5 = free drink 10 = sub captain...er free dog). During spring session 2003. Those were the days.

 

Here is the problem. Super Dog came out last week, officially beginning the season. While it is a tad cold out, it is still warm enough for a hot dog stand to be up and running. Now that they have come out once, they have officially begun Super Dog season, so every warm day has the potential to be a Super Dog day. So now, every day with decent weather, I am thinking, omg omg Super Dog Super Dog, I have to get it. I get myself all worked up for Super Dog, only to come outside and be disappointed. I was so upset, I walked all the way down past Portage Place hoping that some other hot dog stand (don't call me a traitor, desparate times call for desparate measures). Unfortunately, there was none. I was so upset that I went to A&W and instead of asking for a Whistle Dog combo no relish. I asked for a Super Dog combo no relish. I then quickly corrected myself. How depressing.

 

Now every warm day I think, this could be it, this could be it. And when it comes, I'll be in first in line getting a Smokie combo. I'll pick the chips.

This weekend, by shaving her head Britney Spears officially hit rock bottom. This was her way of coming out to the public and saying, I'm crazy, I need help. In 1999 she came out with Baby One More Time and was THE hottest thing around, she was an icon. Girls wanted to be her and would dress up as her and guys just oogled her breathtaking looks. She married Jason Alexander and even then people thought something was up, everyone was against the marriage to K-Fed, who ended up cashing in pretty hard, a la Rebecca Romijn after her marriage to John Stamos. But now the head shaving, she is officialy bonkers (if she wasn't before). She is like the people who go on Maury who say "look at me now" and come back all hot. Had anyone had a bigger decline from being the hottest thing ever to being absolute trash??? Could you imagine anyone dressing up in a MILF tshirt with your pregnant belly hanging out and saying "oh I'm Britney Spears" (a great halloween costume by the way).

 

This poses the question that was asked to me tonight by Darryl Antel. Would you have sex with Britney Spears, right now, would you do her. Would you have to think for more than a second? Darryl said that he would because then you could tell people that you screwed her, and you wouldn't have to say what era of Britney Spears. But she is so damn crazy now, people would forsure ask, Britney Spears now or Britney Spears 1999-2002. Nobody could compare to Britney Spears in her prime, think about her different looks, her beginning schoolgirl outfit in "Baby One More Time", when everyone accused her of getting breast implants in "Sometimes" (whether she got them or not at the young age of 18 will always be questionable), the "You Drive Me Crazy" video with Melissa Joan Hart, who has been nowhere to be seen since Sabrina. My all time favourite was that red skin tight outfit in the video for "Oops...I Did It Again", which I had the pleasure of seeing at the Experience Music Project in Seattle 2 years ago.

 

Currently Britney Spears has, shaved her head, been married twice, and after having a kid definately does not have the body she used to, parties hard with Paris Hilton, has been in and out of rehab, had her cooch exposed on the internet did I mention she shaved her head? What a breakdown. Is there any hope of her turning this around and coming back to "hot" status with a comeback single. At this rate, not likely at all.

 

If you were to see her in person, would you go up and talk to her and ask for her autograph and say what a big fan you are/were and hopes she can get better. Or do you point and snicker in fear of her 7 foot tall bodyguard and say "oh my god thats Britney Spears, how pathetic". But hey, she does have millions of dollars, I'm just some loser writing a blog.

 

But seriously, she has been at the sexiest thing in hollywood to a complete has been piece of trash. It's pretty depressing how being in the public eye can screw someone out.

 

Would you have sex with Britney Spears? Is she even remotely appealing now because of her past? This topic is debatable. Does anyone still like her? Does she have any current fans?

 

For more info read up at http://perezhilton.com/topics/britney_spears/ 

I don't even know how something like this would/could even happen to me, but it was quite embarrassing. I was walking down the library stairs today from the 3rd floor to the 1st, down the long and winding staircase. I was carrying my jacket and schoolbag and I didn't have a hand on the guard rail (I now know why it's called a guard rail), I guess I didn't turn when the staircase turned and I went to put my foot down and there was no stair under my foot. I had walked off of the staircase and then tumbled to the ground, dropping my water bottle and keys. Could you imagine taking a large, loud fall down a stair in a quiet library? What happens? Do people laugh? Stare? Come to help you out.

 

I was walking behind this woman and just fell and had one leg on the staircase and one off the side, I didn't go tumbling down the steps (thank god), that is more the embarrassing variety. But, I did fall in the middle of the library, it was loud, and many heads did turn. Nobody asked me if I was ok, or came to help me, which is fine, everyone just looked for a second and then continued what they were doing. Was I embarrassed? Not really, I was more puzzled at how the fuck I walked off the side of the stair and ended up on the ground with one leg over the side and one on the staircase. If you were in the library at around 12:45 today you would have heard a loud thud, and then someone say "What the hell?" (that was me). On the way home all I could think about was how bad I had hurt my knee, I cut it up pretty good, it stung for a few hours. I wasn't embarrassed though, I was just wondering how that even happened, on the drive home, I repeated, wow as if I banged my knee. I'm sure there is some other person in the library who's blogging about how they saw a person wipe out on the staircase and completely embarrass themselves.

 

When I got home, not only was my knee hurting, I looked at my jeans and had a big rip in the crotch from when I fell. The cherry on top of this, today was my first day wearing these pants after having a previous rip in the fixed. I really like these jeans too. 

Today was the first time I had ever had Taco Bell.

 

...It was also the last time I ever had Taco Bell.

I thought the toilets at school were bad, forcing me to seek out my own "personal" toilet that I go to every time. I thought it was bad going in Sals. But this is by far the dirtiest toilet I have ever experienced. I only went because I was left with no choice. I am going to go into full detail, it is going to be a tad graphic. If you are squirmish, or are eating right now, you might not want to read this. Otherwise, continue.

 

It was 4am the night before we were going to Acapulco. I couldn't sleep and was hungry. I went to get pizza and some punch to drink. Some time before 5 I think I fell asleep.

 

The next morning pretty early (9ish? I have no clue) to go to Acapulco. I had some breakfast. It was my first time being awake early enough for the breakfast buffet so I went pretty sav. Omlette with veggies/ham/cheese, some bacon, sausage, and canadian/back bacon (aka grilled ham). Obviously this is going to leave me quite bloated, I should have known. That was a deadly combination.

 

It was around 11:30 and we were in Acapulco, Mexico. We were waiting to see the famous cliff divers (which can be seen here, these guys are good unlike my own cliff jumping experiences which can be seen here and other searches for "Acapulco Cliff Divers"). It was 100 degrees out and I was dying. My stomach was acting up, I was gassy, hot and uncomfortable. I knew I was going to explode, I was a ticking time bomb. I just didn't know when I was going to blow. I paced around trying to delay the inevitable. I knew if I was going to go, it was going to be a while, and I really didn't want to miss the cliff divers, because it would have been really disappointing to miss, especially if I'm missing it to take a huge shit.

 

There was one point where I was on the brink and walked up the stairs, I was about to walk into the bathroom then I said no, I'll wait. I walked back down and had to argue with a cliff diver that I already paid my ticket and had just went to the bathroom (I didn't go yet, but its hard to argue with someone who doesn't speak english). I was able to walk back down and watch the show.

 

After the show I knew I was very excite because I was packed to the brim. I needed to let loose, sit down and relax for a while on a toilet with a sports illustrated and just dump. Apparently my expectations for a classy experience like that one was unreasonable. You see, public toilets in Mexico are not at all like the ones we are used to in Canada and the United States.

 

I walk up to the washroom and there is a guy standing beside a bin full of pesos. Yes, you have to pay to use the public toilets in Mexico. I didn't have any pesos so I threw in a George Washington (gotta love those one dollar bills) and walked in. As I was about to go in, the guy standing at the door says to me in a thick Mexican accent. "Paper?". I wasn't sure what he said, and I asked him to repeat, and he goes "paper?". I am really unsure of what is going on here, I had to poo pretty bad and I just wanted to get in there and do my business. I thought maybe he was offering me a newspaper, I really had no idea. I then see in his bin, pre-rolled sheets of toilet paper (along with the pesos everyone was throwing in). Now these rolls were pretty small, probably the length of four times wrapped around my finger. Kind of shocked, I slowly walk into the bathroom. I am a guy who likes to use alot of TP, and at the same time, on the scale of how bad I had to go from 1 - 10, I was probably about an 8 or 9. I had held it for pretty long, so I could go maybe a bit longer, but I would have been sitting in a cab in traffic for a long time and needed to go asap. So somewhere from the 8-10 range.

 

I walk into this bathroom and immediately the smell hits me. It was not pleasant. The floors were dirty and covered with black dirt. I was wearing sandals and was very uncomfortable, I would have preferred full foot protection. But this was an emergency, you gotta do what you gotta do. I walk into this very tiny stall, I look at the toilet, I was pretty grossed out. Praying for there to be a roll of toilet paper on the wall, I look around and see nothing. I have this too small length of toilet paper which is forsure not going to be enough. Not only that, I go to sit down, and I look at the toilet and there is NO SEAT. Yes, NO SEAT. I am going to repeat that, NO SEAT.

 

At this point I have two options, I can sit down on the no seat toilet seat and try to go. It would have to be bare assed, I couldn't put TP around the bowl because my TP supply is limited. My second option is to squat and just give'r. I choose option number two. I face the door, surprisingly, they do have locks on the toilet stalls in Mexico, and with my knees touching the door, I pretend like I am in the woods (which would have been cleaner and more comfortable than this) and amidst the heat, the dirtyness and uncomfortability I let it go. Bombs away! Backsplash, you sunk my battleship. I let out about 1/4 of what I needed to, I just couldn't do it, it was way too hot and I just needed to let a bit go so my rating of how bad I had to go was now about a 4. I went to wipe, and I ran out of paper right away. I could either, pull up, wash my hands and walk out. Or try to bargain for some more toilet paper. I didn't have any money, so I was hoping that the guy would give it to me for free.

 

I walked out of the bathroom, with my pants pulled semi up, so there was no contact. The guy stationed by the change/toilet paper was away and I tried to sneak some paper. He saw me, and knew that I was in serious need. I took not one of those small portions, but two. He then forsure knew that I needed it bad. I think he was expecting people to skimp on the TP. I don't skimp, I use alot (too graphic I know). I went back into my stall, finished up, washed my hands, walked out in complete shock over what I just did. 

 

No toilet will ever compare to that toilet. When I close my eyes, I can still see and feel the horror.

 

That toilet will haunt my dreams forever.

So I just got back from a cruise and I still feel like I'm moving up and down. Great. I am walking around and people think I'm drunk.

 

Similar to cultural fads like pogs, power rangers and the macarena (seirously, someone has to explain how this even happened) I notice in airports these days they go through these security fads. A few years ago it was the electronics fad. You'd go through the security check and they'd ask you to take everything out of your bag, I guess people used to hide bombs or whatever in cds. I know this because I would have a backpack full of discmen, cds, mp3 players, multiple gameboys, portable dvd player and have to empty out the whole thing. Then they would take a pice of cloth and "swab". Yes swab my portable dvd player case, like that is going to tell them that I am carrying weapons onto the plane. I hope I can get away with saying bomb and weapons and plane/airport in the same sentance here. (I said it once at the terminal and my dad shh'ed me) So then last year, they started making me take off my shoes, which I was really annoyed with and didn't want to, and did refuse at first. I went through the metal detector with my shoes on at the Ontario, California airport and then they told me to do it again. I didn't get dinged, but I had to do it again. I can't remember the last time I got dinged. To me, one of the most embarrassing things that can happen in an airport is getting dinged at the security check. You have to stand there like you are about to do jumping jacks with Richard Simmons and then have this magic wand against you, then you have to go through again. While you are holding up a whole line and everyones like, I would not want to be that guy.

 

So since the summer they have banning all liquids, gels, water bottles, cans of coke etc and making you putting them in baggies. Fine, they do what they need to do, I can live with that. But now they are abandoning the whole electronics policy? What gives? I walked into the seucirty convayer belt, fully expecting to so inconveniently empty my whole bag and take out all electonics and have them swabbed and tested (someone tell me what that does please). But no, I went through without a hassle at all. You'd think that they would combine all of these policies, instead of going with the strategy of "out with the old in with the new". I just found it a bit curious.

 

How bad is it when you come home from a trip and there is no food in the fridge.

there has got to be a record for command starting distance.

 

i was at the library, 4th floor, looking out the window, i could not see my car, it was blocked by some buildings, but i had close to a line of sight but not quite. It was not on spence, but the street over behind sound exchange (don't know the name). I pushed start just for shits to see if it would start, and after 5 or some od minutes of walking there, I saw the lights were on. I could not believe it, this has got to be a record. I'm taking pics tommorow, its just too unbelivable.

i hate food that turns your teeth different colors (i.e. blue), its just gross.